Rethinking Defensiveness and Recognizing Its Purpose

How many times have you been in a heated conversation when suddenly someone says, “Stop being so defensive!” Those words feel like a gut punch. The label “defensive” seems to carry an electrifying negative charge, instantly putting us on guard, as though we’re being told, “You’re avoiding the truth” or “You’re afraid to take responsibility" or simply "You're the problem".

But is that really what defensiveness is about?

I’d like to offer a different perspective on “being defensive”—one that comes from personal reflection, reading, research, insights from other professionals, and my own (ever-evolving) therapeutic opinion that if we can approach the world with a little bit of empathy, we can lighten our own mental load, freeing up space in our minds for more meaningful and fulfilling thoughts.

Defensiveness is something we all experience, and it’s often misunderstood. Far from being just a sign of avoidance, it’s a natural part of our psychology that protects us and signals deeper vulnerabilities.

Understanding Defensiveness: More Than Just Avoiding Accountability

Let’s start with what it actually means to be defensive. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, “defensive” refers to something “that defends against attack, injury, or harm; intended or used for defense; protective.” Similarly, Merriam-Webster defines it as “serving to defend or protect” or “devoted to resisting or preventing aggression or attack.” These definitions highlight the core idea: defensiveness is about protection. In its essence, it is a mechanism designed to shield us from perceived harm, whether physical, emotional, or psychological.

In psychological terms, defensiveness often takes on a different and more nuanced role. As Dr. Rick Hanson explains on Being Well, “defenses serve functions and they’re there for good reason.” They aren’t just reactions to criticism but subconscious strategies our minds use to protect us from feelings like stress, anxiety, or shame. These defenses help us manage difficult emotions, stabilize our sense of self, and avoid psychological pain.

This perspective really changed the way I think about defensiveness. It’s not as simple as refusing to acknowledge something. Instead, it’s about protecting parts of ourselves that feel vulnerable due to emotional wounds. When someone points out a flaw or raises an issue, our psychological defenses might spring up because, on some level, this touches a nerve—a place in ourselves that we instinctively shield. Understanding that "defensiveness" is often about protecting our emotional wounds allows us to approach it with compassion rather than criticism.

Some common psychological defenses include:

1. Denial: Refusing to acknowledge a painful truth or reality, such as ignoring feedback that challenges our self-perception.

2. Projection: Attributing our own unwanted feelings or traits to someone else. For example, accusing someone of being angry when we’re the ones upset.

3. Rationalization: Offering logical but false explanations for behaviors or feelings to avoid confronting deeper emotions. “I wasn’t rude; I was just being honest.”

4. Repression: Pushing uncomfortable thoughts or memories out of conscious awareness to avoid distress.

5. Displacement: Redirecting feelings from the original source of distress to a safer target. For example, snapping at a partner after a stressful day at work.

6. Avoidance: Steering clear of situations, people, or conversations that might trigger uncomfortable emotions.

Each of these strategies works in the background, often without our awareness, to shield us from emotional discomfort. They serve a purpose, often rooted in protecting our sense of self-worth. However, they can also create challenges, especially when they interfere with our ability to hear feedback, process emotions, or connect authentically with others. Recognizing how we engage in these psychological defense strategies is the first step toward understanding why defensiveness arises and how we can work through it.

A Natural Response Rooted in Self-Protection

Psychological defenses have ancient and primitive roots. In Being Well, Dr. Hanson describes defenses as mechanisms that have long helped humans maintain stability and manage overwhelming emotions. Imagine early humans trying to survive against real threats; they needed defenses to stay alert and avoid danger. Today, our defenses are psychological, not physical, but they still act as a kind of immune system for our mental health. They help us cope with criticism, protect us from emotional pain, and maintain a stable sense of self even in challenging situations  .

But just like the immune system, defenses can become overactive. In healthy doses, defensiveness protects us from stress and anxiety. Yet when it becomes rigid or pervasive, it can lead to the very problems we hope to avoid, like isolation or strained relationships. I think we all know that feeling of snapping back with “Yeah, but…” or “That’s not true!” in response to someone’s feedback, even if deep down we know there might be something to it. Recognizing defensiveness as a natural but sometimes overactive response gives us the chance to work with it, not against it.

When Defensiveness Becomes a Barrier to Growth

It’s worth noting that not all defensiveness is harmful. There’s a big difference between healthy coping strategies like boundary-setting, and what we typically label as “defensive behavior.” Dr. Hanson makes an important distinction: “It’s when it becomes problematic that we move into the territory of labeling it a defense.” He provides the following example: if someone is introverted and prefers a night alone after a long day, that’s not being defensive—it’s just self-care. This natural need to recharge isn’t about protecting oneself from people; it’s about maintaining emotional well-being.

Sometimes, though, our response to criticism or feedback can look like defensiveness when it’s actually about setting a boundary. If someone gives us feedback that feels inaccurate or unfair, we may respond with firmness to protect our sense of self. This boundary-setting is different from defensiveness, For instance, if a friend, partner, or colleague states something that is untrue, our response might be to clarify or push back on the facts—not because we’re unwilling to reflect, but because we’re guarding our integrity. A boundary surrounding what we know to be true is fundamentally different from defensiveness that arises when feedback feels hard to hear.

This distinction—between setting boundaries and “being defensive”—is important. A boundary can be an act of self-respect and self-advocacy. While defensiveness protects our feelings from internal doubts, in this example, boundaries protect us from external misinformation or unwarranted criticism. Knowing when we’re setting a boundary versus reacting defensively allows us to show up authentically in our relationships without unnecessarily shutting down or overexposing ourselves to negativity.

Reflecting on this difference has made me think about my own relationships. When does my need to protect myself interfere with my ability to listen? And when is that protective instinct not "defensiveness", but a boundary that I'm setting? How often do I shut down feedback simply because it’s hard to hear—and when do I push back because the feedback itself is missing information? Asking these questions helps us recognize when our defenses might be getting in the way of growth and when they’re serving as healthy boundaries.

I encourage you to consider these questions in your own life, too. When do your psychological defenses show up for you? And when might they actually be a boundary you’re setting to protect your values, integrity, or emotional well-being? Recognizing these differences empowers us to communicate more openly while respecting our limits and our needs.

Why It’s Hard to See Our Own Defenses

One of the biggest challenges with defensiveness is how invisible it can be. We often believe we’re objective observers of others’ behaviors, quick to identify when someone else is shutting down, deflecting, or avoiding responsibility. But Dr. Rick Hanson points out, “People often struggle to apply that same level of awareness to themselves.” Recognizing our own defensiveness can feel like spotting something hidden in plain sight—it’s there, but we’re so accustomed to it operating in the background that we overlook it entirely.

Defensiveness is inherently subconscious. It’s not a calculated reaction but rather an automatic strategy our minds deploy to shield us from discomfort or vulnerability. Because it happens so seamlessly, we rarely pause to question it in the moment. Instead, we often find ourselves justifying or explaining our actions in ways that feel completely valid. Imagine someone tells you something that doesn’t sit well—your immediate instinct might be to push back, explain why they’re wrong, or counter with your own perspective. It’s an understandable reaction, but it’s also a hallmark of defensiveness.

I’ve caught myself doing this more times than I’d like to admit. In those moments, it’s easy to get swept up in the need to defend my point of view. With intentional practice, I am learning to recognize the signs—the urge to interrupt or the literal feeling of jumping up out of my seat—and to take a step back. It’s not easy to admit, Oh, I’m being defensive right now, but acknowledging this is a crucial step toward self-awareness.

Moving From Defensiveness to Empathy and Validation

Dr. Richard Schwartz, in his book No Bad Parts, explains this dynamic beautifully through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS). He describes how, when we are in “Self”—the core of a person that is secure, calm, and receptive—we are able to see the pain that drives others’ defensive behaviors rather than reacting solely to their protective parts. He writes, “Your protectors only see the protectors of others.” This means that when our own psychological defenses (our “protective parts”) are activated, we are naturally attuned to notice the defenses of others. This often creates a feedback loop of mutual defensiveness, where both parties are focused on protecting themselves rather than understanding each other. Yikes.

However, when we’re in “Self,” we can step out of this reactive state and view others with empathy. We can recognize that their defensiveness is not about attacking us but about shielding themselves from emotional wounds. Their protective parts are doing exactly what ours do—guarding against feelings of vulnerability, shame, or fear. This shift in perspective allows us to respond not with more defensiveness but with curiosity and compassion.

When we learn to spot these moments, we create an opportunity for growth. Instead of focusing on being “right,” we can ask ourselves, What am I protecting here? Am I guarding a sense of self-worth? Avoiding the discomfort of being wrong? Afraid of how I’m being perceived? These questions invite us to dig deeper, uncovering the vulnerabilities our defenses are trying to shield. In doing so, we shift from reacting to reflecting, transforming defensiveness from a barrier into a tool for better self-understanding and emotional growth.

By fostering this awareness and striving to respond from “Self,” we can loosen the grip of defensiveness on our interactions. Instead of reflexively building walls, we create space for curiosity and connection. The next time you feel that familiar urge to defend, try pausing and asking yourself, What’s really going on here? You might be surprised by what you uncover—and by how much easier it becomes to understand and connect with others when you do.

So, if defensiveness is such a natural response, how can we handle it constructively? When faced with someone’s defensiveness—or our own—we can validate the underlying feeling without necessarily supporting the defensive reaction. For instance, saying something like, “I can understand why you’d feel that way,” shows empathy without reinforcing defensive behavior. I want to caution, though, that when using this kind of statement, it’s important to leave it at just that—no follow-up, no “but.” Our natural urge is often to add a “but,” which puts us right back into the feedback loop. The “but” figuratively cancels out the validation you’ve offered, undermining the empathy you intended to convey. Validation works best when it stands alone. If you’re trying to validate how someone feels, “but” doesn’t belong in the statement.

Think of it as shifting from “winning” an argument to “understanding” the other person. We don’t have to agree with their viewpoint, but we can acknowledge their feelings, which can often help defuse the tension. This approach creates a space where both people feel heard, rather than pushed into a corner. I think you will find that when you acknowledge and validate someone else’s emotions, they’re often more open to hearing your perspective, too.

Why Empathy and Curiosity Can Transform Defensiveness

There’s another interesting point from Being Well about empathy in personal growth - and perhaps my. favorite quote from the show... “There’s a certain kind of personality in the personal growth psychology world that just really likes to show off their psychoeducation and call people on their stuff,” Dr. Hanson remarks, explaining that there are individuals who frequently point out other people's defensiveness. But rather than calling out someone’s defensiveness, it’s far more productive to approach it with curiosity and empathy. Defensiveness isn’t a flaw; it’s a function. When we recognize it in ourselves or others, we can treat it as a chance to understand rather than a sign of weakness.

Defensiveness can often feel like a wall we put up to protect ourselves. But as Dr. Hanson notes, the real growth happens when we learn to lower those walls and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Vulnerability doesn’t mean accepting every critique; it means being open to the idea that feedback—whether we agree with it or not—can be a window into greater self-awareness. When we approach defensiveness this way, it stops being a barrier and starts being a doorway.

Conclusion: Accepting Defensiveness as a Part of Being Human

In the end, defensiveness is just one part of our complex psychological toolkit. It’s a tool for survival, a signal of vulnerability, and a gateway to self-awareness. Rather than seeing it as a flaw, we can learn to view it as a starting point for curiosity and understanding.

The next time you feel defensive, try taking a deep breath and asking yourself, What am I protecting here? This question can open up surprising insights. And when you encounter defensiveness in others, consider asking What could they be protecting? and responding with empathy rather than judgment. Recognize that they too are protecting something. By accepting defensiveness as a natural part of being human, we can create a space where growth and connection thrive.

Featured Resources:

• Podcast: Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson, Episode "Dealing with Other People's Defenses"

• Book: No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz