“This is the Part of Me... ”: A Deep Dive Into Internal Family Systems Therapy

Full disclosure before we dive into Internal Family Systems: I’m officially obsessed. For my fellow therapists out there, you know the feeling - when you find a modality or theory that just clicks, and you can’t stop marveling at its brilliance. That’s exactly how I feel about IFS. It’s not just a therapy model; it’s a game-changer, and I’m all in on its transformative power.

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “There’s a part of me that really wants to go for it, but another part that’s totally scared”? Or maybe, “Part of me knows I need to do this, but the other part just wants to stay in bed and avoid it all”? If so, congratulations - you’ve already brushed up against the core concept behind Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy: the idea that our minds are made up of different “parts.”

IFS is one of the most eye-opening and empowering therapeutic approaches I’ve encountered thus far in my career. It’s helped me understand myself on a level I didn’t even know was possible, and it’s given me tools to make peace with the parts of me that I used to think were working against me. Spoiler alert: they weren’t.

So let's do this - we’re diving into what IFS is, who it’s for, why it’s such a game-changer (especially for therapists seeking their own therapy), and how it’s transformed the way I see myself and my work.

Let’s clear this up: What IFS is and What it isn't

IFS is a therapy model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s. It’s based on the idea that our minds are made up of different sub-personalities, or “parts,” each with its own emotions, roles, and ways of protecting us. And let's pause right here - this has nothing to do with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) or “multiple personalities.” We all have different parts of our psyche. Think about it this way: the part of you that wants to binge Netflix on a Friday night is probably very different from the part that drags you to workout on Saturday morning.

The term “family” in Internal Family Systems can be a little misleading, too. IFS doesn’t necessarily involve your literal family. Instead, it’s about the “family” of parts that make up your inner world.

At the center of this family is what IFS calls the “Self.” Your Self is the core of who you are - calm, compassionate, confident, and capable of leading your internal system. But sometimes, your parts get so loud or so overwhelmed that they drown out your Self. That’s where IFS therapy comes in: it helps you quiet the noise, listen to your parts, and let your Self take the lead.

So… What Are These “Parts”?

In IFS, parts are grouped into three main roles:

1. Managers – These proactive parts try to prevent emotional pain by controlling your environment or actions. They often appear as perfectionistic, driven, or overly responsible. 

2. Firefighters – These reactive parts step in to extinguish intense emotional distress when it arises. They often use impulsive or avoidant behaviors to distract or numb you from pain.

3. Exiles – These parts carry pain, shame, or trauma. They are vulnerable parts of you that hold deep wounds. They’re the ones we often try to shove into a metaphorical closet and ignore because their emotions and memories feel overwhelming.

IFS doesn’t try to get rid of these parts in therapy (another common misconception). Instead, it helps you understand and appreciate them. Even the most frustrating parts - like that inner critic who never shuts up - are usually just trying to protect you in their own (sometimes misguided) way. One of the most important things I have taken away from my training in IFS is that there are no bad parts of you. They all serve a purpose By learning more about each of their individual purposes, you can begin to cultivate gratitude for these parts of you that you historically have labeled as "bad" or "wrong" and this process opens so many doors for self-forgiveness, improved self-esteem, and more self-compassion.

Who Is IFS Therapy For?

IFS is incredibly versatile, but it’s especially helpful for people who:

• Feel stuck in internal conflict. You know that feeling when one part of you says, “Do the thing,” and another part screams, “Absolutely not!” IFS helps you sort that out.

• Struggle with shame and self-criticism. If your inner dialogue is critical and harsh, IFS can help you understand where those voices are coming from and quiet them down.

• Experience intense emotional reactions. Whether it’s anxiety, anger, or guilt, IFS helps you get to know those emotions and understand what purpose they serve for your Self.

• Find themselves repeating unhelpful patterns. Procrastination, people-pleasing, overachieving - I’ve been there, and IFS has been instrumental in breaking those cycles.

What Makes IFS a Game-Changer for the Therapist-Client?

Now, some self-disclosure. As a therapist, IFS has taught me something I didn’t realize I needed to learn: I have a "therapist part" and I should leave my “therapist part” at the door during my own therapy sessions.

You see, I’ve always had a “harmony keeper part” of me. Growing up, it was the part that made sure everyone got along, stayed calm, and felt supported. This part was emotionally tuned in to everyone around me. Over time, as I turned those traits into a career: my “harmony keeper part” morphed into what I now recognize as my “therapist part.”

And while that part is great in the therapy room with clients, it turns out she’s not so helpful when I’m the one in therapy. I had to identify this part, thank her for all the work she’s done, give her a nice pat on the back, and gently ask her to step aside so I could just be the client.

IFS has given me the space to connect with my Self, the core of me that doesn’t have to manage, analyze, or fix anything. And let me tell you - it’s been life-changing.

What Does an IFS Session Look Like?

Picture this: You’re in a therapy session, talking about how you had a really intense reaction during a tough conversation at work. Your therapist might ask, “What part of you stepped up in that moment?”

Maybe you notice it was the perfectionist part, frantically trying to figure out what you did wrong and how to fix it. And as you dig deeper, you might realize there’s another part - a younger, more vulnerable part - that felt deeply hurt by the conversation.

In IFS, you get to engage with these parts. Your therapist might go further, asking "What is that part trying to protect?". You ask the perfectionist part what it’s trying to do for you. Trying to protect you from failing. You listen with compassion, and you ask “What would it feel like to celebrate effort instead of results?”. That might be really hard to do, would it be enough? And your therapist helps you connect with your Self, the part of you that can step in and say to the perfectionist part of you, “I am valuable even when I’m not perfect, and my worth isn’t tied to my achievements.”

My Experience With IFS Therapy

For me, IFS has been a revelation. I’ve uncovered parts of myself that were running the show behind the scenes, often in ways I didn’t fully understand.

There’s the part of me that constantly needs to “help,” even when it’s burning me out. There’s the anxious part, always scanning for threats. And yes, there’s the “therapist part,” who sometimes forgets that I don’t have to solve everyone’s problems - including my own.

Through IFS, I’ve learned to step into my Self and tell these parts, “I see you, and I appreciate you. But you don’t have to handle this right now - I’ve got it.” And the result? More calm, clarity, and balance than I’ve felt in years.

Why IFS Is Worth Exploring

If you’ve ever felt like your mind is a battlefield, IFS can help you make peace. It’s a way to understand yourself on a deeper level, foster compassion for all the parts of you, and bring your Self—the best version of you—to the forefront.

If IFS is a therapy approach that you are interested in trying, you will want to find a therapist trained in this modality. Some clinicians go through the IFS Institute to achieve full IFS certification and can therefore denote this within their credentials. This certification process is pricey and though it is incredibly beneficial, it is not required to practice IFS. It is considered what we call "best-practice" to achieve this certification. Therapists can obtain training from organizations outside of the IFS Institute and still have the knowledge and skills needed to provide IFS to their clients. Clinicians who opt to go this route will not be able to denote that they are an IFS therapist within their credentials.

And if you’re a therapist looking for your own therapy, let me just say this: IFS might be exactly what you need. It’s one of the few modalities that not only allows but encourages your “therapist part” to take a backseat so you can just be you.

As always, thanks for reading - and let’s keep it candid.

Recommended resources on this topic:

• Book: "No Bad Parts" by Dr. Richard Schwartz

• Podcast: "The One Inside: An Internal Family Systems Podcast" with Tammy Sollenberger

• Podcast: "Being Well" with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson - Episode "Internal Family Systems"