The Threads of Attachment: How Our Past Shapes Our Present Relationships

Relationships. They are the foundation of our lives. From the bonds we form in childhood to the connections we build as adults, our ability to relate to others—and ourselves—shapes every part of who we are. But have some of these relationships ever felt harder than they should? Or do certain patterns keep repeating, leaving you feeling stuck, misunderstood, or even disconnected?

Then today's post is for you. Attachment theory offers us a powerful lens to understand why we relate to others the way we do. Developed through the work of John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, and others, attachment theory explores how early relationships with caregivers shape not just our childhood experiences, but our entire approach to relationships throughout life. Whether you’re someone who finds comfort in closeness, pulls back when things get too intense, or feels caught in a push-pull dynamic with loved ones, understanding attachment theory can help explain why.

Our attachment styles don’t stay frozen in time—they evolve, showing up in how we interact with romantic partners, friends, and even our own children. And beyond attachment theory, Erik Erikson’s psychosocial stages of development remind us of the crucial "lessons" we learn (or don’t learn) from the world around us. These "lessons"—like trust, autonomy, and connection—are building blocks that shape how we navigate the world and resolve emotional challenges.

In this post, we’ll explore how attachment and psychosocial development intersect, how our early experiences set the stage for adult relationships, our ability to navigate emotional experiences, and what we can do to heal. Whether you’re here to better understand yourself, your partner, or your child, this is an invitation to take a closer look at the patterns that shape your life—and to discover the tools for creating healthier, more secure connections.

What is Attachment Theory?

Excuse me while we crack open the textbooks 📚.

Attachment theory is a psychological framework that explains how we form emotional bonds with others and how those bonds influence our behavior and relationships throughout life (Salcuni, 2015). At its core, it’s about connection—our primal need to feel safe, secure, and cared for.

Developed by John Bowlby, attachment theory originally focused on the bond between a child and their primary caregiver (mainly their mother). Bowlby believed that early relationships set the foundation for how we approach relationships in adulthood. This idea was later expanded on by Mary Ainsworth through her famous Strange Situation study, which identified distinct styles of attachment in children.

The central idea of attachment theory is simple, and yet still profound: when a caregiver consistently meets a child’s emotional and physical needs, the child develops a sense of safety and security. This sense of security allows them to be curious, build relationships, and regulate their emotions. But when those needs aren’t consistently met—or are they are met unpredictably—attachment styles begin to form in ways that may prevent a child’s ability to feel secure, trust others, or navigate relationships confidently.

Attachment theory isn’t only focused on childhood, though. The attachment patterns we develop early on follow us into adulthood, influencing how we approach relationships. While our attachment style isn’t set in stone, understanding it can be a powerful first step toward breaking unhealthy patterns and building stronger connections.

Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation Study

Ainsworth’s Strange Situation study is probably one of the most well-known contributions to attachment theory. In this study from 1969, Ainsworth observed how young children responded to brief separations and then reunions with their caregivers. Through these observations, she identified three primary attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent, and anxious-avoidant. A fourth attachment style was added later, after some observed behaviors did not seem to fit into any of the primary attachment styles. Each style reflects how a child interacts with their caregiver and provides insight into the emotional foundation being built.

1. Secure Attachment: A securely attached child feels safe and confident that their caregiver will meet their needs. In the Strange Situation, these children became upset when their caregiver left but were easily comforted when they returned. They viewed their caregiver as a dependable source of support and comfort. Characteristics of secure attachment in childhood might include trusting that their caregiver will return if they leave, displaying confidence to explore their environment (i.e. the playground) while knowing that their caregiver is their "home base" to return to, or showing an ability to regulate their emotions with reassurance from their caregiver.

2. Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment: Children with an anxious-ambivalent, or resistant, attachment often experience inconsistent caregiving. Ainsworth identified this as an insecure attachment. Their caregivers might meet their needs sometimes but are unavailable or unresponsive at other times. In the Strange Situation, these children showed significant distress when the caregiver left and had difficulty calming down when they returned, often clinging to their caregiver and remaining upset. Characteristics of this insecure attachment in childhood might include increased anxiety about their caregiver leaving or separating from their caregiver, clingy behavior paired with difficulty calming down, and fear of being abandoned with a constant need for reassurance.

3. Anxious-Avoidant Attachment: Children with anxious-avoidant attachment often have caregivers who are emotionally unavailable or dismissive. This was also identified as an insecure attachment. In the Strange Situation, these children appeared indifferent when the caregiver left and showed little interest in their return. While they might seem independent, their lack of outward distress is usually a mask for an internal struggle with unmet emotional needs. Characteristics of avoidant attachment in childhood might include displaying little to no emotions, appears indifferent, prefers to be self-reliant or independent instead of seeking support, experiences difficulty expressing vulnerabilities, and rarely or never expresses their needs to others.

4. Disorganized Attachment: This attachment style was added to the Strange Situation study in 1986 by a student of Ainsworth. Disorganized attachment often results from environments where the caregiver is a source of fear or trauma. These children may have experienced neglect, abuse, or chaotic caregiving. In the Strange Situation, they displayed contradictory behaviors, such as approaching their caregiver but also avoiding eye contact or freezing. Characteristics of disorganized attachment in childhood might include confusion or fear while in the presence of their caregiver, displays difficulty and confusion over expressing their emotions, cannot name or understand their emotions, shows a mix of seeking comfort and avoiding connection ("I love you/I hate you").

Beyond a description of a style of attachment, these descriptions represent the ways children learn to navigate relationships based on their early experiences. And while these patterns form in childhood, they don’t stay confined to early years. 

Erik Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development

While attachment theory focuses on the emotional bonds we form with others, Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development provide another powerful framework for understanding how we grow as individuals. Erikson outlined eight stages of development, each with its own central conflict ("this versus that") that shapes our sense of self, relationships, and the way we interact with the world. These stages are especially critical in early childhood, where the foundations for trust, autonomy, and identity are laid.

What makes Erikson’s theory relevant to this discussion is its emphasis on the lessons we learn—or don’t learn—at each stage. These lessons don’t disappear if unresolved; they follow us into adulthood, often influencing how we view ourselves and navigate relationships.

Let's take a quick look at the early stages of development and their impact:

1. Trust vs. Mistrust (Infancy)

• Core Question: Can I trust the world to meet my needs?

• Developmental Lesson: Developing a sense of safety and reliability in caregivers.

• Impact of Resolution: If a child’s basic needs are consistently met, they develop trust in others and the world. If not, mistrust can lead to anxiety, insecurity, and difficulty forming close relationships later in life.

2. Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (Toddlerhood)

• Core Question: Can I explore the world and do things for myself?

• Developmental Lesson: Building independence and confidence in their abilities.

• Impact of Resolution: Successfully navigating this stage fosters a sense of autonomy and self-esteem. In contrast, overly critical or controlling caregiving can lead to feelings of shame and doubt in one’s abilities.

3. Initiative vs. Guilt (Preschool Age)

• Core Question: Is it okay for me to take initiative and assert myself?

• Developmental Lesson: Developing a sense of purpose and learning to take initiative.

• Impact of Resolution: When children are encouraged to take initiative, they develop confidence and leadership skills. If they are corrected, punished, or made to feel "wrong" for their efforts, they may become hesitant to assert themselves.

4. Industry vs. Inferiority (School Age)

• Core Question: Can I work hard and achieve goals?

• Developmental Lesson: Gaining a sense of competence and accomplishment through learning and problem-solving.

• Impact of Resolution: When success experienced in this stage, it fosters a sense of competence and pride in one’s abilities. Failure, especially if accompanied by criticism, can lead to feelings of inferiority and a fear of failure.

Each of these stages builds on the one before it, and when unresolved, they create emotional challenges that often manifest in adulthood. For example, unresolved mistrust can lead to difficulty opening up in relationships, while feelings of shame or guilt can fuel perfectionism or fear of failure.

The stages and developmental lessons also intersect with attachment. A child who learns to trust their caregiver is more likely to develop a secure attachment style, while one who struggles with mistrust or shame may lean toward anxious, avoidant, or disorganized patterns.

Attachment Styles in Adulthood

Our attachment styles don’t just appear out of nowhere. They develop as a direct result of our relationships with our earliest caregivers. Ideally, we grow up in an environment where parents or caregivers are present—available, responsive, and emotionally attuned—providing a foundation of security and trust. But for many people, this isn’t the case. Caregivers might be preoccupied or emotionally unavailable, whether due to their own struggles with depression, anxiety, health concerns, relationship issues, or personal difficulties. In some cases, they may even be distant, critical, or unpredictable in their caregiving.

When a child grows up in an inconsistent or emotionally unsafe environment, they don’t stop needing connection—they just learn to manage their needs differently. And typically, they go one of two ways: either they minimize their emotional needs, learning not to ask for much at all (which leads to avoidance), or they become more insistent and demanding in their pursuit of connection, fearing abandonment and seeking constant reassurance (which leads to anxious attachment). There’s also a third, less common response—disorganized attachment—where a person experiences a mix of both, fearing both closeness and distance, often due to trauma or neglect.

So, in adulthood, these three insecure attachment styles manifest in different ways:

• Anxious-Ambivalent attachment develops from a fear of distance. These individuals crave closeness but often feel like they are “too much” for others. They worry about being abandoned, need reassurance, and may feel emotionally intense in relationships.

• Anxious-Avoidant attachment stems from a fear of closeness. People with this style struggle to rely on others, preferring independence over emotional vulnerability. They may keep people at arm’s length, feeling suffocated by intimacy.

• Disorganized attachment is a combination of both fears. There’s a deep longing for connection but also a fundamental mistrust of others. Relationships may feel chaotic, and emotional expression can be unpredictable.

These attachment patterns don’t just influence romantic relationships; they shape friendships, work dynamics, and—perhaps most profoundly—how we parent our own children. A child raised by a securely attached parent is far more likely to develop secure attachment themselves. But an insecurely attached parent, without self-awareness or healing, may unknowingly pass down patterns of avoidance, anxiety, or emotional inconsistency to their children.

Healing Attachment Styles

This leads to the big question: Can attachment styles change? In my opinion, yes—but not without effort. Changing an attachment style isn’t as simple as deciding to behave differently in relationships. It requires deep, intentional work to shift core beliefs about connection, trust, and your own self-worth.

The first step is recognizing how your attachment style may be negatively impacting your relationships and understanding that change is possible. From there, it’s about tracing the thread of your life—examining where these patterns originated, coming to terms with how early experiences shaped you, and acknowledging the ways these past events still influence your present. This isn’t about blaming caregivers or staying stuck in the past. It’s about recognizing the patterns so that they no longer hold power over you.

Healing Through Corrective Emotional Experiences

Healing attachment wounds doesn’t happen in isolation. As Dr. Rick Hanson says in a Being Well podcast episode about attachment wounds, "our wounds are mainly from relationships, and so our healing is mainly in relationships". This brings up another tough question: If you’ve never experienced safe, secure, healthy relationships… where do you start? How do you begin having corrective emotional experiences when you've never experienced one?

Dr. Hanson uses a metaphor that resonates deeply: after you've been sick with the flu or a stomach virus, you start to re-nourish yourself with the basics—crackers, toast, and clear liquids. You aren't going out for any steak dinners. So if you’ve been starved of healthy emotional and relational experiences, then the first step in healing is to find whatever basic social nutrients are available. In other words, even the smallest positive social interactions can be the building blocks of healing.

To me, this idea aligns with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which describes how people must have their most basic needs met before reaching higher levels of fulfillment. If we apply this concept to healing attachment wounds, the “pyramid of corrective emotional experiences" might look something like this:

1. Physical Presence – The foundation of relational healing starts with simply being there. Show up. Be in the room. Participate in social settings, even if just as an observer. If intimacy and connection feel overwhelming, start small by placing yourself in the presence of others.

2. Emotional Presence – Beyond physical presence, emotional presence means engagement. Listen to others and allow yourself to be heard. Practice mutual understanding. Seek out relationships where people acknowledge your thoughts and feelings.

3. Validation & Worthiness – As you build trust in relationships, you begin to internalize a sense of being valued, respected, and appreciated. You start to believe that you matter—not just because of what you do for others, but because of who you are.

4. Mutual Care & Connection – At this level, relationships go beyond validation; they become reciprocal. There’s friendship, dependability, laughter, and the ability to share affection and joy.

5. Fundamental, Secure Love – At the highest level of relational healing, you reach a place where love and security feel solid. You know, with certainty, that you are cared for. You don’t have to question it or prove it—it just is.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight. If you’ve spent years, or even decades, with an insecure attachment style, the idea of fully trusting relationships can feel almost impossible. But small steps matter. Seeking evidence—real, factual evidence—that you are cared for can be one of the most healing practices.

So, if you’re working on shifting your attachment style, start by noticing those small moments of connection. Who shows up for you, even in tiny ways? Who listens when you speak? Who checks in on you? These moments might feel small, but they are the seeds of something much bigger. Over time, they help rewrite the internal story that says love is unreliable, that people always leave, or that you have to be entirely self-sufficient.

Closing Thoughts

Attachment isn’t destiny. It’s a pattern—and patterns can change. Whether you grew up feeling securely attached or struggled with anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment, the way you connect with others is not set in stone. Understanding your attachment style is the first step. The next step is the real work: recognizing the patterns that no longer serve you, actively seeking out corrective experiences, and allowing yourself to build trust, one small step at a time.

And above all, remembering this: the ability to attach securely, to be loved and cared for, and to feel fundamentally safe in relationships, is something you deserve.