Rethinking Resilience: The Misconception That’s Leaving Us Behind

Resilience. It’s a word we’ve come to worship. A word we use to praise those who endure hardship, adapt, and - most importantly - keep going. But have we stopped to ask ourselves what this obsession with resilience is really doing?

Sure, resilience sounds positive. Who doesn’t want to be seen as strong, capable, and unshaken? But when we peel back the layers, it becomes clear that resilience is too often a shiny label we slap onto people struggling in silence, ignoring the support they actually need. It’s a subtle way of saying, “Figure it out, but don’t make us uncomfortable while you do.”

And this expectation? It’s harmful. It’s isolating. It leaves people feeling weak or broken when, in reality, they’re just human.

Resilience as a Survival Mechanism

The way we talk about resilience makes it sound like a choice. But resilience is not something we wake up and decide to be. As Jessica Rocha writes in The Infuriating Truth About Resiliency, being resilient often isn’t a conscious decision; it’s “the aftermath of hardships…a product of someone shifting into survival mode”.

Survival mode. Let that sink in.

We’re celebrating people who are just trying to get through the day. We call them “resilient” to make ourselves feel better about their pain, to excuse ourselves from stepping in with real help. It’s easier to admire someone’s strength from a distance than to acknowledge how we, as a society, contribute to their struggles.

Who Benefits From the Myth of Resilience?

Here’s the truth: the narrative of resilience isn’t designed to help the person in pain. It’s designed to benefit the people around them - employers who need you back at work, friends who don’t want to feel awkward, systems that don’t want to change.

When someone loses a loved one, we say, “You’re so strong,” as if that’s supposed to help. When someone is struggling with addiction or financial insecurity, we tell them to “stay strong” instead of addressing the root causes of their struggle. When communities of color endure systemic oppression, we celebrate their “grit” while leaving the systems of inequality untouched.

It’s lazy. It’s dismissive. And it shifts the burden of recovery entirely onto the individual.

Who Is Hurt the Most by This Expectation?

While the myth of resilience harms everyone, some groups are especially impacted:

1. People Who Are Grieving

Grief is not a straight line, and it doesn’t come with a deadline. Yet we pressure people to “move on” or “get back to normal” far too quickly. This is particularly true in professional settings, where grieving employees are expected to return to productivity as though their world hasn’t just fallen apart.

This rush to “bounce back” minimizes the very real pain of loss. It isolates people at a time when they most need connection.

2. People Who Are Struggling

Addiction. Homelessness. Financial instability. For those facing these challenges, resilience is often framed as a personal failing: “If you just worked harder, stayed positive, or made better choices, you wouldn’t be here.”

Let’s be clear - this is gaslighting. These struggles don’t exist in a vacuum. They are deeply tied to systemic issues like lack of access to healthcare, affordable housing, and living-wage jobs. Expecting resilience from people without addressing these barriers is not just unfair - it’s cruel.

3. People of Color

Communities of color are routinely celebrated for their resilience in the face of systemic oppression. While these stories can be inspiring, they often serve to distract from the systems that cause harm in the first place.

When we idolize resilience in marginalized communities, we risk normalizing their suffering. We say, “Look how strong they are,” instead of saying, “Look at the injustice they’re enduring - and let’s fix it.”

The True Cost of Resilience

Resilience, as it is commonly framed, often requires people to suppress their needs and emotions for the comfort of others. As Rocha writes, being resilient can feel like “taking hit after hit and never truly healing…forcing [oneself] to be okay to help those around [them].” This creates a vicious cycle where individuals prioritize others’ comfort over their own well-being, delaying or denying their own healing in the process. And let’s be honest - healing takes time. It’s messy, nonlinear, and deeply personal. But our culture doesn’t like messy. We prefer neat and tidy narratives about overcoming adversity. We like a story of strength worthy of a movie screen. These narratives might make us feel better, but they can leave the person in pain feeling unseen and unsupported.

Soraya Chemaly’s book, The Resilience Myth: New Thinking on Grit, Strength, and Growth After Trauma, takes this idea even further. Chemaly explores how our cultural obsession with resilience places an unfair burden on individuals, particularly those who are already marginalized or struggling. She argues that the expectation to “bounce back” not only isolates people but also perpetuates systemic inequities by deflecting attention away from the root causes of their pain.

Chemaly’s work challenges us to reconsider what true strength looks like. Instead of holding up resilience as the ultimate goal, she advocates for creating environments where people feel supported and valued, even when they’re not at their strongest. Her perspective is essential for anyone interested in breaking free from the harmful narratives surrounding resilience - and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to dig deeper into this topic.

What Needs to Change?

So, what do we do? How do we break free from this toxic resilience narrative?

1. Normalize Vulnerability

It’s okay to not be okay. We need to create spaces where people can share their struggles without fear of judgment.

2. Offer Real Support

Platitudes won't heal the pain. People need tangible resources - grief counseling, addiction treatment, financial aid, someone to sit and validate their experience - not just words of encouragement.

3. Challenge the System

It’s not enough to support individuals; we need to address the systems that create hardship in the first place. This means advocating for policy changes, investing in communities, and holding institutions accountable.

4. Redefine Strength

Strength isn’t about suppressing emotions or “powering through.” Real strength lies in asking for help, setting boundaries, and taking the time you need to heal.

Let’s Stop Idolizing Resilience

Resilience isn’t inherently bad. But when it’s used to dismiss pain or avoid responsibility, it becomes a weapon. We need to stop idolizing the ability to “push through” and start valuing the courage it takes to pause, to grieve, to heal.

Because at the end of the day, resilience should be about supporting people, not leaving them to fend for themselves.

So let’s rethink resilience. Let’s build a world where people don’t have to be strong all the time—because they know they’ll never have to face their struggles alone.

Other great resources on this topic:

Book: The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté

Book: It’s Ok that You’re Not Ok by Megan Devine

Podcast: It’s Ok that You’re Not Ok with Megan Devine - Episode “Why Do We Celebrate Trauma (aka Resilience) with Gabor Maté”

Podcast: Terrible, Thanks for Asking with Nora McInerny - Episode “The Resiliency Myth with Soraya Chemaly”