Candid Quick Take: It's Time To Stop Should-ing Yourself

Yeah, you read that right. It's time to stop should-ing yourself! Have you ever found yourself thinking, “I should feel happy right now,” or “I should feel more grateful”? Maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of well-meaning advice like, “Just focus on the positives,” or “You should try not to worry.” At first, these suggestions might seem helpful—or at least harmless—but they carry a weight that can really mess with your mind. Albert Ellis used the phrase "stop should-ing all over yourself" to refer to our tendency to overwhelm ourselves with "should" statements or things that we think we are supposed to feel or do. But who sets that standard? Who is "we"? It's a question I often ask my clients when they start should-ing on themselves in session—who said you should feel that way?

In a previous post, I explored how the idea of “managing” emotions can lead to harm, creating a pressure to control or suppress feelings instead of allowing them to naturally run their course. This post dives into the next layer: what happens when you force yourself to feel something you don’t.

Both practices stem from the same root issue: the belief that certain emotions are “bad” or “wrong” and need to be fixed. Forcing feelings, whether it’s something we impose on ourselves or something others project onto us, creates a dangerous disconnect between our authentic emotions and the expectations of how we’re supposed to feel. When we try to force gratitude, joy, or calmness, we invalidate our own lived experiences and deny ourselves the chance to fully process our emotions. Over time, this not only damages our mental health but also fractures our relationship with our true selves.

The Danger of “Should-ing” Yourself

Think about how often the word “should” creeps into your thoughts:

• “I should feel happy - I have so much to be thankful for.”

• “I should feel excited about this opportunity.”

• “I should feel calm by now; it’s not that big of a deal.”

These statements might sound like they’re pushing us toward positive emotions, but underneath them lies a subtle yet powerful message: the feelings we’re experiencing are wrong. They’re inconvenient. They’re unacceptable.

When we tell ourselves we “should” feel differently, we set ourselves up for an internal battle. We end up denying the validity of our emotions, gaslighting ourselves into believing that what we’re feeling isn’t real or is somehow defective. This not only creates shame around our emotions but also leaves us stuck, unable to move through what we’re experiencing.

Who Does This Really Serve?

Here’s an important question to ask: When you force yourself to feel something you don’t, who does it actually benefit?

If the answer isn’t a loud and clear “it benefits me,” it’s time to pause and reconsider. Often, the pressure to feel a certain way doesn’t come from a genuine desire for our emotional well-being but rather from societal expectations or the discomfort of others.

For example, when someone says, “You should just try to be more thankful,” they may genuinely believe they’re helping. But more often than not, that suggestion has more to do with their discomfort than your emotional reality. Your sadness, frustration, or anxiety might be making them uncomfortable, so they encourage you to shift to an emotional state that’s easier for them to handle.

This dynamic teaches us a harmful lesson: that our feelings are inconvenient or burdensome to others. And when we internalize this lesson, we begin to police our emotions, striving to present only the “acceptable” ones—gratitude, happiness, calmness—while burying anything that might make others uncomfortable.

The Cost of Forced Positivity

Gratitude and positivity are powerful tools for emotional well-being—when they come naturally. Reflecting on what we’re thankful for can ground us, provide perspective, and even help us navigate tough times. But when gratitude is forced or imposed, it loses its authenticity and can feel dismissive rather than supportive.

Take Thanksgiving, for example. It’s a time meant for connection, reflection, and yes, gratitude. But it’s okay if your emotions don’t neatly align with the holiday’s message. Maybe this year feels harder than most, or maybe you’re carrying something heavy that gratitude alone can’t lighten. That doesn’t mean there’s no value in gratitude—it just means it’s not always the right fit for the moment.

Well-meaning advice like “just focus on what you’re thankful for” can feel unhelpful when you’re struggling. While the intention is often kind, it can unintentionally dismiss the complexity of what you’re experiencing. Gratitude shouldn’t come at the expense of processing other valid emotions, like sadness, anger, or even numbness.

True gratitude, like true joy, isn’t something we can manufacture on command. It arises naturally when we’re ready for it. And when it does, it feels genuine, meaningful, and healing. But forcing yourself to feel thankful—just because it’s Thanksgiving or because someone suggests you “should”—often does the opposite. It creates a disconnect, making you feel out of step with yourself and the world around you.

Gratitude isn’t about pretending everything is fine when it’s not. It’s about finding moments of light when you’re ready and able to see them. And if you’re not in that place yet, that’s okay. The act of simply acknowledging where you are—without forcing yourself to feel something else—can be its own form of self-compassion.

There Are No “Bad” Emotions

One of the most damaging consequences of forcing feelings is the belief that certain emotions are “bad” or “wrong.” We’re often taught that emotions like anger, sadness, or fear are undesirable, while emotions like happiness, gratitude, and calmness are the gold standard. But emotions aren’t moral judgments—they’re signals. They’re messengers that help us navigate our experiences and understand ourselves. Let's be clear—there are no bad emotions.

Feeling angry about an injustice? That’s a valid response. Feeling sad because life feels overwhelming? Also valid. These emotions are not only natural but necessary. They help us process our experiences, set boundaries, and make sense of the world.

The problem arises when we assign negativity to certain emotions. When we believe that sadness is “bad,” for example, shame creeps in. We start to think, “What’s wrong with me for feeling this way?” This shame compounds the original emotion, making it even harder to move through.

The Disconnect Between Self and Feeling

Forcing yourself to feel a certain way - or trying to convince yourself that you feel something you don’t—creates a profound disconnect within your psyche. This disconnect causes you to separate from yourself, creating a dissonance between your true self and your inner voices (in IFS, what is referred to as "parts"). Over time, this dissonance can lead to self-doubt, confusion, and a sense of alienation from your core self.

When we start to feel alienated from our core selves, something even more damaging happens: we lose trust in ourselves. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, including the one we have with ourselves. Think about how you respond when trust is broken in a relationship with someone else. Do you become more guarded? Withdrawn? Suspicious of their motives? Do you find it hard to fully invest in that relationship again? And if you do stay, is the relationship truly fulfilling?

The same dynamics occur when we lose trust in ourselves. We start to second-guess our instincts and question our ability to determine what we’re feeling. This self-doubt can lead to unhealthy behaviors, like ignoring our needs, silencing our emotions, or relying too heavily on external validation. The result is a fractured relationship with ourselves—one where connection, self-compassion, and authenticity feel out of reach.

But here’s the thing: just as trust is essential in a relationship with someone else, it’s absolutely fundamental for self-love. Trusting yourself—your feelings, your instincts, your emotional reality—is the foundation on which healthy relationships with others are built. When you honor your emotions and allow yourself to feel without judgment or force, you rebuild that trust. You strengthen the relationship with yourself, creating a solid foundation for more meaningful connections in every area of your life.

What’s the Alternative?

The antidote to forced feelings is emotional authenticity. It’s giving yourself permission to feel what you feel, without judgment or pressure. It’s recognizing that emotions are complex, messy, and often inconvenient—but they’re also valid.

Instead of forcing yourself to feel thankful just because it’s Thanksgiving, acknowledge where you are in your feelings. If life feels heavy, let it feel heavy. If joy sneaks in unexpectedly, let it in. If you’re not sure what you’re feeling, let that uncertainty exist.

And if others try to impose feelings onto you - whether it’s gratitude, calmness, or happiness—gently remind yourself that you don’t owe anyone a specific emotional state. Your feelings are yours to feel, not theirs to dictate.

Embracing the Full Spectrum

Life doesn’t fit neatly into boxes, and neither do our emotions. Sometimes we’re joyful in the midst of hardship. Sometimes we’re sad when everything seems fine. And sometimes, we don’t feel anything at all.

What matters most is that we honor the full spectrum of our emotions. By allowing ourselves to feel authentically—without judgment, shame, or pressure - we strengthen our connection to our inner selves. We learn to trust our instincts, process our experiences, and move through life with a sense of integrity and wholeness.

So, the next time you catch yourself thinking, “I should feel…” pause. Ask yourself: Who does this serve? If the answer isn’t you, let it go. You deserve the freedom to feel (and not feel) on your own terms.

Let’s stop forcing feelings. Let’s start feeling them instead.